Money

Yesterday, I felt very suffocated, not because I was physically so, but mentally pressured by many different factors. One of them was about money. Before the end of last year and beginning of this year, I honestly didn't understand why people are crazed about the status of '유학생'. Since I'm from Ithaca, and all the people there were children of professors, we were living at a similar standard, upper-middle class people who aren't luxurious at all. Furthermore, all my friends were oblivious to luxury goods, and were just normal students who didn't have any extravagant tendencies.

But beginning from this summer, I slowly opened my eyes towards high end clothes, like Givenchy, Dior, Dsquared2 and everything else. It started from me having an interest towards outfits and clothing, which is sort of late compared to other peers. As I surfed the web and looked at different type of clothes, I began to identify some things on the street and purchase some myself. And even when I was in Korea, I wasn't didn't have any feeling towards people who wear them, only thinking they have lots of money, or are stylish.

But when I came here and made new friends, I discovered there are a lot of rich people than I thought they'd be. It felt like they were living different lives than 'average' people myself included, where money wasn't a restraining factor, and could afford whatever they wanted if they wished. There is a guy who has so many Givenchy clothes that I can't imagine how many more he has, and there is another guy who wears Chrome Hearts accessories, which costs at least half a grand for a simple ring. These are only a few people I know that are rich, and the thing is there are many more who live similar lives.

I sometimes compare myself to those people, and feel wretched, although it is natural to do so, and even angry at certain times. I know that studying in America is an extremely good privilege given to me by my parents, who had to study and work just to afford college education fees because his father has passed away when he was a senior. But even acknowledging I should be more than grateful towards my parents, I only feel I'm so tiny, and so poor that I feel inferior when I hang out with those people. Brands I think are not that cheap, they regard it as cheap shit that they don't want to buy, and spending certain amount of money for meals which is sometimes excessive to me, is nothing for them.

 I know nothing is going to change even I feel very envious to these people, but I can't stop feeling jealous to these people because it's a human being's instinct to act so. In the future, I want to be one of them, but it should be done by myself, from money I earn by working hard. I want to tell them that you are not superior than I am, and I want to be looked upon others with jealousy.

Fuck. I'm so fucking pissed right now. My TA wouldn't raise my grade up for the blog post I've written. She gave me fuckign 78 for a decent post, just because it didn't have coherent connection. What a fucking non sense. Because I got BC in my blog, even if I get 100s on every other thing in that class, I barely get over 92, when the cut for A in this course is 93. She fucking blew my opportunity to get an A in this class. I could drop this class, but since this is going to be my major, it's going to look very bad in my transcript. I don't want to study. asd;fokljsdfaws-eSDFKLjas;fijwsekdfapsodkfjlaskdj,faosidf Fuck you.

Recent thoughts

The feeling when you finally lost trust on somebody is quite bewildering and depressing to some extent. I think I had this moment just recently, when I fit in different pieces of tiny puzzles and finally saw a big picture of how everything went for somebody and how I was so nearsighted, unaware of what was going on. Although I'm happy I at least realized that, the fact that I couldn't see it until now is kind of pathetic. After so many hours of conversation and chatting, I had gained enough information to get some insight of how that person is, and how she maintains her complicated relationships. However, I was just one ignorant who didn't even understand what situation I was in. Thankfully, my friend provided a missing piece of puzzle and I saw that I was one of the 'fishes' she was carrying (this is a korean term, so there's no proper translation of it). I maybe a little bit upset because of this, but still, I could think it as an opportunity to put down a burden and time to take a step forward, since I had been very unorganized and undisciplined for awhile.